Finding myself again
by glee1504
Summary: When Quinn was nineteen, she was forced to leave all her friends behind. But what hurt her most, was leaving Santana behind. What happens if she shows up again five years later? *suck at summaries* Quinntana endgame
1. Long time no see

Quinn POV

It has been five years since I last saw everyone. It was the five most miserable ones of my life so far. I'm not the same Quinn Fabray anymore, even though I wish I was. So many things have happened over those past few years, and they made me a completely different person. I wish that was a good thing but I don't think it is. I really don't.

When things got tough five years ago, I ran away. I didn't want to face my problems; I wanted to hide from them. Maybe you think that makes me a coward, but you have no idea what I've been through. Nobody does, not even the people I once considered family.

I was only nineteen years old when all hell broke loose and I had to leave everything behind. My life had just started and things were looking up, or I thought so. After my car accident in my junior year of high school, I thought I would never get the chance to fulfill my dreams and become a lawyer. However, not only did I completely recover from that accident, I also got a scholarship to Yale in my senior year. It was like a dream come through, and for some weeks it really was. Unfortunately, my life started falling apart a few months later and I had no choice but to drop out of college. At the time, it broke my heart because I was being forced to give up my dream. But now, I realize that there are far more important things that I've lost beside my scholarship.

What I regret most is leaving everyone behind and not telling my friends everything that was going on and destroying me inside out. Maybe I also regret not reaching out to them, because I know that they would have helped me. They would have been there for me, but I didn't deserve their pity. I still don't deserve it, not after all that I've done.

I've done some horrible things, and I don't think that I'll ever be able to forgive myself. However living in regret is slowly killing me, which is why I finally want to turn things around again. I can't change my past, but I can start focusing on my future.

I want to get back in touch with the people I once called my best friends. These past few years, I've missed them more than they'll ever know. I realize that I need them back into my life, if I don't want to continue this solitary existence. I've been lonely for the past five years, even though I tried making new friends. That didn't work out because I never trusted others enough to get to know the real me, a person with a lot of flaws and a lot of emotional baggage. The only people who wouldn't mind all of that or judge me for it, are my former friends.

A part of me believes that I still don't deserve their friendship, or at least not anymore. Not after leaving them behind without even saying goodbye. But I have to try and rekindle our friendship, 'cause if I don't then I don't think that I'll ever be able to move on and stop thinking about them. They are the only friends that I have ever known, and they're the only ones who might be able to understand the terrible burden of my past.

Sometimes I try to imagine what their life looks like right now. I wonder if Rachel graduated from NYADA, whether or not Blaine and Kurt got married, if Puck got a decent job, what happened with Mike and Tina,… But most of all, I wonder about Santana. Does she still think about me and what happened the night of Mister Shue's failed wedding? Because I do every single day, and I don't think I'll ever forget. How could I forget, if she's all I ever think about.

**A/N: Thoughts? Continue or not?**


	2. Unexpected guest

**Rachel POV **

Ugh, who's knocking on my door this early? It's only a little past 6am and I've just started working out on my elliptical. Seriously, it's weird to pay people a visit at this hour, unless it's some random drunk who forgot his own apartment number and just aimlessly knocks on doors. So maybe if I ignore the knocking, my unwanted guest will leave. I doubt that it's anyone I know, because most of my friends don't get up before noon unless they have to. Perhaps it's some kind of creep, but I hope not. Fortunately, Finn moved in with me a couple months ago, so he'll rescue me if that's the case. I know he will.

The knocking doesn't stop, and I don't want it to wake Finn up. So even though I don't like it and it seems very suspicious, I'm going to open the door. I get off my elliptical and quickly use my towel to remove some of the sweat on my forehead. After a quick glance in the mirror - to make sure I look decent - I make my way towards the door. Just in case, I grab the baseball bat that is lying right next to the door. Honestly, I'm pretty scared to open the door but I have to. Besides, if it's some kind of burglar or murderer, then I'll scream loud enough so Finn can come and help me. Not really a solid plan, which is why I hope that it is someone I know.

As soon as I muster up enough courage, I open the door with the baseball bat secured in my hand. The moment I open the door and realize who's standing in front of me, I drop the baseball bat on the floor with a loud thud. I can't believe this?! Is it really her?! Anger starts boiling inside of me, because this person has caused so much damage to my friends and me. Before I can register what I'm doing, I have slapped Quinn across the face.

Quinn brings her hand to her cheek and clutches it in pain. She hisses, "Geez Rachel, that hurt like a bitch."

"Well maybe if you hadn't disappeared for over five years, I wouldn't have felt the need to do that. I'm not even sorry because you deserved that slap. In fact you deserve so much more than just a slap, but I won't hurt you anymore. Because I'll never be able to hurt you as much as you hurt us."

Quinn lets go of her cheek and reaches over to touch my arm, while quietly whispering my name. It makes her sound desperate, but I don't care right now. I quickly pull away from her, because I don't want her to touch me. Not now, not ever. Quinn needs to know that I can't just forgive her for leaving us behind all those years ago. For leaving Santana behind. She broke one of my best friends, and I've been trying to fix Santana ever since. But I don't think I'll ever be able to and that kills me.

Quinn whispers, "Rach, I'm sorry."

I snap angrily, "Well, sorry isn't going to cut it. Not this time, Quinn."

"I know. I really do, but that doesn't change the fact that I truly am sorry," Quinn says sincerely.

"Perhaps you are, I don't know. But what I do know is that you've caused everyone a great deal of pain these last five years. You left us behind without even warning us. Did you even consider us when you left? Did you ever think about us? We didn't even know if you were still alive for crying out loud? Do you have any idea what that's like? To have one of your best friends disappear, and you can't help but assume the worst? Because I do. Everyone you left behind does, and I don't know if we'll ever be able to move past all of this. I really don't."

Instead of responding, Quinn just opens and closes her mouth a couple of times. She probably didn't expect me to be this angry, but I am and I've every right to be. She has no idea what I've been through these past five years. Especially not what San and I have been through together, and I doubt that Quinn would believe me if I told her.

Quinn is staring at me, her hazel eyes staring into my big brown ones. I hate to admit this, but I can see the pain in them. I've no idea what Quinn has gone through these past few years, but I'm guessing that she had a tougher time than we did. Although, I really want to forgive her and hear her story, I can't. At least not yet.

After a few seconds, which felt like hours, Quinn breaks the silence. She pleads, "Please, Rachel. I'm not asking for forgiveness. At least not yet. I'm asking for a chance to explain."

"Fair enough. But now is not the right time. Finn's still sleeping, and I don't want this to wake him up. Plus I need some more time to process everything."

Quinn's features soften and it's pretty obvious that she's confused. She asks, "Finn's here?"

I raise me eyebrow and reply, "Yeah, got a problem with that?"

"No, not at all. I'm just surprised that's all."

"Okay. So how about meeting up tomorrow afternoon at the coffee shop down this street?"

Quinn softly smiles at me and nods in agreement. "I would love that."

"See you there. Bye."

"Bye."

**Quinn POV**

When I first thought of coming back, I immediately decided to try and contact Rachel first. She was my most obvious choice, because I figured that Rachel would be the least mad at me and most understanding about my departure. I thought that she might even be happy to see me back after all those years. However, I drastically underestimated her reaction. Even though I didn't expect it at all, I can't blame Rachel for slapping me. It was unrealistic of me to assume that everyone that I left behind had remained the same. That was foolish of me.

I should have considered the fact that I'm not the only one who has changed these past five years. Everyone changes, it's the just the way it is. Perhaps I just hoped that they had stayed the same, so that things could go back to normal if I ever returned. Now it's time for me to realize that things will never go back to normal. At least not for me. I wish I could go back in time and undo my mistakes, but I can't. Which means that I have to deal with the consequences, and have to regain everyone's trust.

Over the past five years I've learned what stays the same and what fades away. Some things haunt you, no matter how hard you want them to go away. Like my demons who follow me wherever I go, which isn't always easy. Every night I pray for them to go away and leave me alone, but they don't and most likely never will. Another thing that I believe is unchangeable is your soul mate, the person you're meant to be with forever. Once you find that person, you know what true love really feels like and you can't let go of that. That might sound corny, but that doesn't make it any less true. Somehow no matter what you do, where you are or what you've been through, your thoughts will always go back to that one person. That one person is almost like the center of your own little universe. For me, that person is without a doubt Santana.

I've always loved Santana and for the last six years I've been in love with her. I don't think that I'll ever be able to love another person like I love her. Not that that matters because I don't want to love anybody else, I just want her. Santana is my forever and I'm hers, I just know it. Which is why I'm so determined to get some answers out of Rachel this afternoon, so that I can get San back. I have to. She's my everything.

**A/N: Hope you guys enjoyed this chapter, if not please let me know because I'd love to improve my writing. The next chapter should be up in a couple of days. First we'll get some important information about San thanks to Rachel, and then we'll actually see a bit of Santana in that chapter. How will she react? And what has she been up to these past few years? Find out in the next chapter… (if you like something else to happen or you have some suggestions, just let me know)**

**Maria. : Hopefully you still think this chapter is interesting. If not please let me know why, and thanks for your previous review.**

**Quinntanarivergron4life: Thank you for your awesome review, hopefully you'll review this story again.**

**Shananigan: Hopefully you like the chapter, please let me know. Thank you for your previous review. **

**Karla: Thanks for the review, it encouraged me to continue this story. **

**LaurenKnight13: Thank you so much for your review. In the next chapter Santana and Quinn will meet again after all those years. But I have to warn you, there'll be quite a bit of drama. And I think I'll reveal what happened to Quinn in a few chapters, after she and San both have learned to trust each other again and let their guard down around each other. Hopefully you'll review this story again, that way I can improve the story.**

**Shayanna: I hope you liked this chapter, and thank you for the review and motivating me to continue this story.**


	3. Friends are forever

**A/N: Some people want some flashbacks in this story, but I'm not sure about that. Personally I don't like that when I read other fanfiction. But if enough people want to read some flashbacks, then I'll write some in the next couple chapters. Just let me know.**

**Rachel POV **

Honestly, I still can't believe that right now I'm on my way to the local coffee shop to meet up with Quinn. It's almost too hard to grasp that she's actually back after all those years. I just hope that I'll get some answers on some of the questions I've been asking myself the past five years. Moreover, I truly want to find out why Quinn left and how she has been all those years on her own. Don't get me wrong because I'm still incredibly mad at her for leaving everyone behind without saying goodbye, but I'm also relieved that she's okay. Or at least alive, because I'm not sure whether or not she's okay.

When Quinn left my apartment yesterday, I did a lot of thinking about her, the past and her surprising return. I talked about her with Finn, and after his initial shock that Quinn has actually returned, he gave me some good advice. Finn told me to hear her out, because she came to me for a reason. Plus I do realize that she must have had a really good motive to leave us behind, and I've no right to judge her before I know the whole story. I truly want to see the bigger picture, so that maybe things could go back to normal. I really hope they do, it'd be better for everyone. But I don't know if that's possible.

The moment I finally arrive at the coffee shop, I immediately spot Quinn sitting by herself at a table. I take a deep breath and approach her slowly. Part of me still doesn't believe that Quinn's here, but she most definitely is. It almost feels as if my eyes are deceiving me, but I'm glad that they aren't because I need some answers from her. A few seconds later Quinn notices me and she stands up from her chair to greet me. It's kind of awkward since neither of us knows what to do, should we shake hands or hug or something else. After a couple of seconds filled with some awkward staring at each other, I pull her in some sort of uncomfortable hug with one arm. When I pull back, I greet her properly, "Hi, Quinn."

"Hey Rach, thanks for coming. Honestly, I was afraid that you wouldn't show up."

I just nod and pull my chair back, so I can sit on it. Quinn keeps standing up and asks, "I probably should order us something first. Do you still drink green tea?"

"Yeah, I'd love some tea."

"Ok, I'll just go get you one."

A few minutes later Quinn has returned and she places the cup in front of me. I gratefully accept the tea and thank her, which gets followed by an awkward silence. Quinn and I just sit there drinking our beverages in silence, until Quinn utters, "You know, I didn't mean to leave everyone behind."

"Then why did you?"

"I can't tell you. At least not yet."

"Why?"

"I want to tell Santana first. No, I need to tell her first."

I take a deep breath and sigh, "I don't know, Quinn. I don't think that such a good idea. San is kind of in a bad place right now."

"What do you mean? Is she okay?"

"It's not my place to tell you what kind of problems she's dealing with."

"Understandable. And, euhm, I don't really know how to ask this, but is San seeing anyone?"

Quinn starts fumbling with her hands, which means that she's obviously very nervous for my answer. However deep down she knows that San only wants her. No matter how much it kills me, those two belong together and they both know it. So I'll do nothing to stop them getting back together, because I know that Quinn is the only one who can fix San.

"It's complicated. All I can say is that she hasn't had anything serious since you left. However, I do advice you to talk to Brittany about this."

Quinn's mouth hits the floor, and she asks, "Brittany? Why Brittany? Please tell me that those two aren't back together. Please."

"'Like I said, it's complicated. However, you should know that Sam and Brittany are engaged."

"So Santana and Brittany aren't together?"

"Just talk to Brittany, Quinn. Do you want me to write down her address and phone number?"

"Yes, I'd love that. Thanks for helping me, Rach. I appreciate it."

"It's okay. And please fix this mess, Quinn. Because I want to be your friend again, I really do."

"I'd love to be your friend again."

"Then promise me that you won't leave again. Please, promise me."

"I promise. Just know that it killed me when I left everyone behind, but I was forced to. I can't tell you why; I'm not ready for that yet. All I can say about the last five years, is that they've been torture. Absolute torture."

A single tear escapes her eyes, and I realize that I've never seen Quinn look this broken and fairly that scares me. Quinn still hasn't told me what she's been through, and I fear that when she does it'll be so much worse than I could possibly have imagined. I don't even want to think about all the horrible things that might have happened to Quinn in the past. All I want right now is to take all her pain away, even though I know I can't. Nonetheless I try to offer Quinn some comfort by reaching over and gently touching her arm. I rub it in a soothing way, then I rest my hand on top of hers and give it a soft squeeze. It might only be a small gesture, but I know it's working because a small smile is forming on Quinn's lips.

"I'm sorry for what you've been through, Quinn."

"It's okay. It's not your fault anyway."

"Then whose fault is it? Can you at least tell me that?"

"It's complicated, Rach. I wish I could give you some more answers, but it's hard."

"It's fine Quinn, you shouldn't feel guilty about that. However, I've one final question to ask you and I hope you'll be able to answer it. Why did you leave in that particular month?"

"You mean the month that San and I finally made it official," she says with a voice laced with pain and sadness.

"Yeah. Did your sudden departure have anything to do with Santana or your relationship?"

"Yes and no, all I can really say about Santana and me is that I truly loved her and I still do. I'll always love her and my biggest regret is not saying goodbye to her when I had to leave. But I still know why I did that. I didn't want San to have to deal with my problems, it wouldn't have been fair to her. Honestly, I just figured that she was better off without me."

"Oh, Quinn. Don't you know that you could have leaned on San? You know that Santana would have done anything to help and protect you. Or you could have come to us, we could have helped you."

She gently shakes her head and says, "No, you couldn't. Nobody could. You would have been in way over your head. I just didn't want to confront you guys with the kind of pain that I was facing at the moment."

"Maybe I don't believe that running away from us was the best decision, but I do respect it because I understand why you did it."

**A/N: Sorry, but I decided to show Quinn's first encounter since her return with Santana in the next chapter instead of this one. Hope you liked this chapter, and the next one should be up soon. If you want it to be really soon, you should review because those reviews really motivate me and I truly appreciate them. Also I should warn you guys that next chapter will be about Santana and what she's been up to, but she hasn't exactly been an angel. **

**Shananigan: I don't really know why I enjoy writing in the first person so much, since it's pretty uncommon. But like you said, I really think that it's working for this story, or at least I hope so. We'll find out what Quinn's deal is later, but next chapter we'll find out San's deal and it won't be pretty.**

**Guest: Thank you so much for your review, hope you like this chapter as well. **

**Guest: Thank you so much for your review, hopefully you still like the story. **

**Quinntanarivergron4life: Thank you for your AWESOME review. Hope you liked this chapter. In the next chapter Quinn will meet San again and find out what San has been up to. Prepare for some drama in the next chapter.**

**ErosEternaGlee: Thank you so much for your review. You'll find out why everything and everyone's emotions are all over the place soon enough. Next chapter will be the first encounter between Quinn and San, and it will be pretty dramatic. **

**Alexismiau1690: Thank you so much for your review, hopefully you enjoyed this chapter. Next chapter will be pretty dramatic and emotional. It's going to be the first encounter between Quinn and Santana, and we'll find out what San has been up to.**


	4. This is messed up

**Quinn POV**

At the moment, I'm on my way to Brittany and Sam's apartment. They still don't know that I've returned, and that makes me a tad nervous. Honestly, I really don't want to get slapped in the face again, like Rachel did yesterday. Thankfully Rachel came around, and even told me that she wants to be my friend again. I just hope that everyone will react that forgiving after they get over their initial shock that I've officially returned, because this time I'm here to stay.

I'm going to show up unannounced at Brittany's place, even though Rachel gave me her phone number. I just don't think it's such a good idea to text her in advance. Chances are slim that Brittany would actually believe that it's me, since I've been gone for so long. Perhaps I could have called her, but what would I have said. Something like, "Hey Britt, it's Quinn. It's just to tell you that I'm back after disappearing five years ago." Not going to happen because that would have been way too awkward and weird. No, telling her that I'm back is something I need to do in person.

Anyway after a long walk I've finally reached my destination, Brittany's apartment. Thankfully, my iPhone has an integrated GPS, because otherwise I would have never found it since I haven't been in New York for over five years. I'm only familiar with the streets of Chicago since I've lived there for a couple of years. The building looks lovely and as soon as I step through the door, I notice that the building is also pretty on the inside. I waste no time and immediately make my way through the building towards Brittany's apartment. The closer I'm getting, the more my heart starts pounding. I'm so incredibly nervous and terrified.

After a few minutes I've finally found the apartment, and right now I'm standing in front of the door. As soon as I muster up enough courage, I knock on it. After a couple of seconds I hear some muffled noises coming from the other side of the door. I knock again and this time I hear some shuffling towards the door. As soon as Brittany has opened it, she has closed it again. I knock again and plead, "Please Britt, let me in. It's me, Quinn."

"No. Just go away."

"Brittany, don't do this. Just open the door, because I'm not leaving before you've talked to me."

The door opens again, and this time I can really see what Brittany looks like. She's still as beautiful as she was five years ago; the only thing that she has lost is her innocent vibe. Unfortunately, I think my timing is off because she's wearing a silk robe. Since it's late in the afternoon that can only mean one thing, she was having sex with Sam. Gross.

Brittany looks at me confused and asks, "Why are you here, Quinn?"

"I'll tell you if you just let me in, Brittany. We could sit down and talk."

"I don't think that such a good idea."

What the hell is going on with Brittany? She was one of my best friends during high school, and now she's acting as if she doesn't even remember who I am. Sure our friendship went through a rough patch when I started dating Santana, but I still consider her my friend. I'd have been okay if she was mad at me for leaving, happy that I came back or any kind of reaction that demands showing a little bit of emotion. Because Brittany is being completely indifferent to the fact that I've returned, which scares me. It truly does.

"Why? I thought we were friends."

She shakes her head and rages, "No, we weren't. You and I both know that the only reason we hung out was Santana. Maybe you didn't know it back then, but the two of us have always been in love with San. And when I was dating Sam to make her jealous, you took her from me. You stole the love of my life and I'll never forgive you for that. So you shouldn't have come here."

As soon as Brittany is done with her little monologue, I can feel the anger burning inside of me. How could she say those things?! They aren't fair to me, Santana or Sam. I start ranting, "What the hell, Britt? You're talking nonsense right now! Can you even hear yourself? Aren't you engaged to Sam? Isn't he the love of your life? So where's all of this bullshit coming from? You're in love with Sam now, so get over yourself. And for the record, I didn't steal Santana because she wasn't yours to begin with. She's a person who can make her own decisions, and she doesn't need you to do it for her. Got it."

Brittany looks at me like she's about to explode, which is kind of terrifying. She'll probably slap me any second now, but to my surprise she doesn't. Instead she gently closes the door - probably because she doesn't want Sam to come and complicate things in this discussion – and she steps closer to me. I can feel her breath on my ear and she whispers, "You've no idea who I am, Q."

I gently push her off and ask, "What's that supposed to mean?"

"It means that you've no idea what has been going on with me, San or anyone for that matter. And don't ever say that I don't love San, because I'll always love her the most. Always."

Before I can respond, the door of her apartment opens. My jaw hits the floor and I can feel my eyes starting to water. The moment the door opened my whole world came crashing down. Instead of being confronted with a scantily clad Sam, I'm standing face to face with Santana. She's also wearing a silk robe, which means that she was having sex with Brittany. Fuck. Why? How messed up is this? Brittany is having an affair with Santana, while she's engaged to Sam? Shit! This is fucked up.

I let out a sob because this is literally breaking my heart. This is not the way it was supposed to be when I came back. I'm not saying that I suspected San to still be single, but this is just so wrong. How could they do this to Sam?! And why Brittany of all people? Why is San choosing her again? Why?

I can feel tears roll over my cheeks and I don't even bother wiping them away. I look back up and it's like all three of us are frozen in this moment. San's obviously shocked and Brittany is just staring at Santana with an unreadable expression. We stay that way for a couple of seconds until I can feel a hand collide with my cheek. When I look up, I'm surprised to find out that it isn't San who has slapped me but Brittany. Brittany says coldly, "You've ruined everything. Everything."

Apparently the slap brought Santana out her daze, because now she's sobbing loudly. She looks so broken, and it's entirely my fault. Before I can do anything, Santana rushes back inside. I try to follow her but Brittany jumps in front of me and blocks the entrance. I grit my teeth and demand, "Move, Brittany."

She shakes her head and says, "You can't tell me what to do."

"Why are you being such a bitch?"

"I'm the bitch? Didn't think so, because you're the one who made her cry. Not me. "

"Whatever, just move."

"No."

Before I can respond, San pushes past Brittany and starts running. Apparently she quickly threw on some clothes and probably took her car keys. But I won't let her run away from me. Not this time.

I immediately start running after her as fast as I possibly can. Fortunately I'm still really fit and I'm able to close the distance between us in only a few minutes. Before I can reach her, San yells, "Leave me alone, Q."

Instead of responding I try and close the gap between us by grabbing her arm. We both come to a stop, and she just stares at me. I don't let go of her arm but loosen my grip on it, because I don't want her to run away again. "I'm sorry for hurting you, San. I love you."

As soon as those words have left my lips, San moves closer and pulls me in a kiss. The moment I'm over my initial shock that she's actually kissing me, I kiss her back with as much passion and love as I possibly can. In this moment it's just me and her, and nothing else matters. At least right now it doesn't.

**A/N: Thoughts? **

**A special thank you to everyone who has reviewed. Those reviews mean a lot to me and they help me stay motivated. I love every single one of them. Thank you so, so much. **


	5. Getting some answers

**Quinn POV**

I don't know how long we've been standing here on this parking lot. It could have been a couple of seconds, minutes, hours, for all I know it might have been an eternity. With Santana's lips on my own, the world has stopped turning and I finally feel like I'm home again.

My hands are tangled in her raven black hair, slightly grazing Santana's scalp as we make out. She's gently holding my head in her hands, making sure that I stay put and don't run away. I just hope that in time, I'll be able to convince her that I'm not running away this time. This time, I'm here to stay. Forever will be just the beginning for us.

Each time we pull apart to breath, it only takes us a split second to reconnect our lips. The both of us are still crying, but that doesn't stop us from passionately attacking each other's lips. In fact it encourages us to keep kissing each other, because it's the only way to make our tears stop from falling. Our love can stop them.

We're both crying because we had no idea how much we needed this. I've been apart from my soul mate for over five years, and I've finally got her back. That's a lot to handle, and I almost feel as if I'm spiraling out of control. Honestly, I underestimated all the emotions I'd feel when I saw Santana again after all that time. It's probably even worse for Santana, since she had no idea that I'd ever return. But I did and that's all that matters.

Santana drops her hands and rests them on my waist. However, much to my delight she doesn't stop kissing me. I can taste the salt on her plump lips because of her tears, and I can feel her heart rhythmically pounding. My knees are starting to go weak, and my lips part slightly giving her access to my mouth. San smoothly enters her tongue, and just like that I feel like I'm in heaven.

Fortunately, the parking lot is deserted at the moment, so we don't have to worry about having an unwanted crowd. Our tongues move in sync as well as the rest of our bodies. Our noses touch each other gently, which makes our kiss even more intimate. It feels and probably looks like one of those typical kisses that you normally only see in sappy romantic movies. It's a kiss filled with so much passion and emotion, that it's almost too hard to handle. I wish I could keep kissing her like this forever. However I decide to pull away, since there is still so much we need to talk about first. I rest my forehead on hers and stare in her big brown eyes. We stay like that for a few seconds until I whisper, "I love you so much, San. And I'm sorry for hurting you. I truly am."

She sniffs, "Don't leave me again, Q. Because I don't think that I'll be able to survive that a second time."

I quickly peck her lips and let my lips linger for a while. When I pull back I reassure her, "I won't. We could start again."

Instead of responding, San pulls me in for another kiss. Without any effort she deepens the kiss, making me feel loved without any words. When we pull away, she utters, "I'd love to start again, but we need to talk first."

"I know."

"I need some time first, Q. I'm kind of all over the place right now, and I need to wrap my head around the fact that you're back first. You are here to stay, right?"

"There's no place I would rather be, than here with you. I love you San, and if you need time then I'll give you as much time as you need. Besides, I still need to sort some stuff out myself and I'll probably start with going back up there and try to have a decent conversation with Brittany."

"Are you sure you want to do that? Because not too long ago, Brittany wanted to rip your head off."

I roll my eyes and reply, "True, but maybe she has calmed down by now. Besides even though she has obviously changed a lot, I still care about her. I still believe that friendship is forever."

Santana shakes her head slowly and chuckles, "Damn Fabray, since when did you get so optimistic."

I let out a small laugh and shrug my shoulders, before she continues, "And please just be careful with Brittany, she's hurting too."

"I promise."

"Okay. When will I see you again, Q?"

"Whenever you want; I'll just give you my phone number so we can meet up again."

Santana hands over her iPhone and I immediately save my number on it. Before heading off to talk to Brittany, San and I share one last kiss. As she leaves in her car, I wave her goodbye.

The moment Santana is out of sight, I feel a huge wave of sadness come over me. I already miss her like crazy right now, and I hate the fact that I have myself to blame for that. If I hadn't left her all those years ago, I wouldn't have this nagging feeling that I could lose her again at any given moment. It's incredibly hard for me to accept the fact that San is back in my life, which is why I hate to watch her leave. Even though it's for the best, because we both need to sort everything out first before we can have a serious talk about the past and the future.

Anyway, I take a deep breath and start heading back to the apartment building. After a couple of stairs, I've finally reached Brittany's apartment. I carefully knock on the door and wait for her to open it. I'm going to try and have a civilized conversation with Brittany, because I still consider her my friend and I like to find out what's going on between her and Santana. To my surprise, Brittany opens the door in just a matter of seconds and motions for me to come in. She obviously has been crying, because her eyes are red and puffy. It distresses me to see that she's in so much pain but so am I. The only way we both can stop hurting is by revealing the truth and think about a decent solution for the future.

As I take a look around, I notice that Sam and Brittany have a very pretty and decent apartment. It isn't too big or too small, and it feels really homey. Which is odd, considering I just found out that Brittany has been cheating on Sam with Santana.

Brittany walks over to her kitchen and asks, "You want something to drink? I've water, diet coke, orange juice, wine or I could make us some coffee if you'd like."

"Water is fine."

I take a seat on the kitchen table and wait for Brittany to join me. She hands me my glass of water, which I gratefully accept. After taking a sip, I clear my throat and wonder, "Why are you suddenly being so nice to me? You were ready to kill me earlier, so what's changed?"

"Because I know that you won't leave me alone before you have some answers. So I might as well give them to you without having a physical fight first, since nobody would benefit from that. Besides I can't pretend that you haven't returned because you have. Maybe you don't understand, but coming back might not have been the right choice Quinn. At least not for everybody."

I plead, "Then help me understand, Brittany. And I hope you know that I didn't intend to hurt anybody by coming back."

"But you did. You hurt me, and if you've already spoken to Rachel then I'm pretty sure you've hurt her too."

"Why Rachel?"

Brittany remains silent for a couple of seconds before responding, "That's something Rachel should tell you herself."

"Fine. I wasn't here to talk to you about Rachel anyways. I want to know why you're having an affair with Santana."

Brittany chuckles dryly and sniffs, "Isn't it obvious, Quinn? I'm in love with her. I love Santana more than I've ever loved anybody else. Not even Sam."

I snap, "Then why are you still engaged to Sam. This isn't fair to him, and you know it! How could you even do this to him?!"

A single tear escapes Brittany's eyes, which she doesn't even bother wiping away. Brittany doesn't reply immediately, instead she lets a silence fill the room. I lean back in my chair and take another sip from my water. I quirk my eyebrow and demand, "Just answer me, Brittany? Why?"

Brittany shakes her head at me and stands up from her chair. She starts pacing through the kitchen and rages, "Fine. If you want to know, then I'll tell you why. First of all, before you assume anything else, I love Sam. Of course I do, otherwise I wouldn't have said yes to his marriage proposal. But that doesn't take away the fact that I'll never love him as much as I love Santana. If she'd tell me that she wanted to be with me, then I'd leave Sam in a heartbeat. Sam and I have been engaged for three fucking years, because I keep postponing it. And you know why? Because I always keep telling myself that Santana will come around and choose me. But she won't. How could she if she never stopped loving you? And that, that's why I hate you so much Quinn. You broke Santana, and made it impossible for her to love anyone else. You made it impossible for her to love me, and I hate you for that."

By now Brittany is sobbing loudly, while her hands are shaking with rage. Honestly seeing her like this is scaring me a little. I want to hug her and tell her that I'm sorry, but I'm afraid that she might hurt me. Besides part of me is also incredibly mad at her, because she doesn't deserve Sam. Cheating on your fiancée is never okay, no matter what the reason is. If she loves Sam, she should let him go or pick him over Santana. Using him like some sort of safety net is wrong on so many levels. I never thought that Brittany was capable of doing something that cruel; especially not to somebody she loves.

When Brittany's sobs have died down a little, she takes her seat across from me again. Her bright blue eyes piercing into mine, daring me to say something. But I decide to remain silent, which is why she's the first to speak up again. "Are you happy now, Quinn? Happy that you know how fucked up my life is thanks to you?"

"You can't blame me for this, Brittany. You've put yourself in this messed up situation."

"Yes, I can. You killed a part of Santana when you decided to leave her behind without saying goodbye. It destroyed her, because you were her girlfriend. She trusted you more than anyone else, and you broke that trust. You broke her heart, and made impossible for anyone else to fix it. So yes, it's your fault."

I snap, "I didn't choose to leave her behind!"

"Then why did you?!"

"I can't tell you. At least not the whole story."

"Then just tell me this, Quinn. Why didn't you say goodbye to anyone? Because that's the least you could have done."

I sigh, "Because I didn't get the chance to. Everything went so fast that particular night and before I knew it, I was being arrested. I had to go to jail, and I didn't want anybody to know. Especially not after what kind of horrible thing I had done."

**A/N: Thoughts?**

**Again thank you so much for the reviews, I love them all. I'm kind of amazed that some people enjoy reading my story, since I don't really consider myself a writer. Hope you enjoyed this chapter, and I'll post the next one this Sunday. Maybe sooner if I find some extra time to write or some extra motivation. Thank you for reading this!**


	6. Let it go

**Santana POV**

Today has been intense, and extremely emotional. After years of wondering if I'd ever see Quinn again, I finally encountered her a couple of hours ago. Honestly, her timing was a bit off, since I was at Brittany's when that happened and I was dressed in merely a silk robe. But who cares about timing anyways, all that matters is that Quinn has officially returned and promised me that she'll stay this time.

I'm slightly surprised that I didn't slap her, considering I had been angry with her for the past five years. Maybe I was too shocked to slap her, or maybe I was more relieved than mad to see her again. All I know is that the moment that Quinn looked into my eyes for the first time in five years, I could feel it all coming back to me. It pains me to admit this, but I still love her more than I've ever loved anyone else. I'm ashamed of feeling this way, because she hurt me so badly. However just because I'm still in love with Quinn, doesn't mean that I've already forgiven her for leaving me behind. Maybe in time I'll be able to do that, but not any time soon. She'll have to earn back my trust step by step.

To be honest ever since Quinn left me behind, I've been so lost. After our hook-up at mister Shue's failed wedding, I became more depended on Quinn. She has been my rock through so many things, and when she suddenly disappeared I felt as if I had lost a part of my footing. I don't care how corny that might sound, but it's true. It felt like I was missing a part of myself, which made it so hard for me to function properly after her disappearance. Quinn is the only one who really knows me, like I know myself. So now that she's back, I can finally start feeling complete again.

Quinn is that one person who can call me out on my shit and still be my favorite person in the whole world. She made me want to be a better person and follow my dreams. Quinn has always placed my needs before hers, which is why I need to find out why she left. I know that she didn't leave me behind without having a good reason that forced her to go. When it comes to me - and our love - Quinn has never been selfish. Moreover, I don't believe she made a selfish choice when she chose to leave without saying goodbye, but she probably made a foolish one.

I know Quinn, and I know that she probably did it to protect me. However, I still don't know what she was trying to protect me from. I tried so desperately to find out what happened to her, or who forced her to leave everything behind. But no matter where I went to try and piece this puzzle together, nobody gave me any usable answers. All that everyone kept telling me is that she probably had some freak out and ran for the hills. But I couldn't believe them and let go of Quinn; I didn't want to move on. All I wanted was to find her and make sure that she's okay. Because what we had was real, and it was the kind of love that you find only once in a lifetime if you're lucky. I just knew that I had to keep looking for Quinn and waiting for her to come back to me, because she's the one for me. Even though I didn't succeed in finding Quinn, she found me again and I'm so damn grateful for that.

Anyway, I should probably head off to Rachel's apartment and talk to her about all of this. I know her, and she's probably taking Quinn's return much harder than she lets on to Finn or anybody else. So before I try to fix things with Quinn and find out where we both stand, I should make sure that Rachel's okay. Ever since I've moved to New York, she has been like my little sister and I need to look out for her after all she's done for me. Our friendship might have been unexpected, but so are most good things in life. All that matters is that I couldn't have asked for a better best friend, and that I love her to pieces.

**Rachel POV**

Even though I should have practiced a little bit more today, I just couldn't find the right amount of concentration to do that. My mind keeps wandering of to Quinn and her return. I still don't know how to feel about all of this, and if I'll ever be able to forgive her for all the pain that she caused everyone she left behind.

Suddenly I get snapped out of my thoughts, when I hear the doorbell ring. I wonder who it is, considering Finn shouldn't be home until late tonight. With him being a cabdriver in New York, he works some crazy hours. The only advantage of being a cabdriver is that it earns enough money to support us, and it gives him enough free time to audition for some minor acting roles. I do hope that one of these days he gets offered a big TV role or something like that, because Finn has been working his fingers to the bone trying to improve his acting skills. Anyway the moment I open the door, my jaw hits the floor and I mutter, "Santana, what are you doing here?"

She smirks, "Don't I get a welcome hug or something, Berry?"

I immediately throw my hands around her and wrap her in a tight embrace, which she returns. I'm so happy to see her, but normally she doesn't really stop by unexpectedly. Especially because she knows that I use all my free days – like today – to practice for my role as Maria in West Side Story on Broadway since next month is the big opening. Anyways, when I pull back and look into her eyes, I notice that they're completely bloodshot. She obviously has been crying, which means that she probably knows about Quinn's return.

I move a little to the side and motion for Santana to come in. She immediately heads for the sofa and asks, "Can you bring me a soda, Rach?"

I tease, "Can you say please?"

"Please, give me a stupid soda because my throat is as dry as a fucking desert."

I let out a small laugh and shake my head in amusement. Then I grab us both a can of soda and walk over to where San is sitting. I sit right next to her, and hand her the can of soda. The first couple of moments, we just sit there sipping our sodas in absolute silence. San is the first to break the silence, "How's West Side Story coming along? Are you excited that it's almost here?"

I sigh, "Yeah, I'm thrilled because the whole cast has been practicing so hard for the last couple of months, and soon we'll see the result of all that hard work."

"You don't sound that thrilled, Rach."

"Why are you here, San?"

"…"

"Not that I don't like you coming over, but it's very unusual for you to drop by in the middle of the day. Not to mention, you look like you've been crying. So what's going on?"

"Quinn's back."

I smile sadly at Santana and nod my head. "I know."

"Rach, don't be like this. It's okay to be sad or angry that she's back. You don't have to hide behind a mask and try to stay strong when you're with me. Just be honest with me and tell me how you're feeling about all of this."

I can't find the right words to tell her how I feel about Quinn's return, because I don't know it myself. Part of me wants to be happy because I know that she can fix San's heart, but another part is so mad at her for breaking San's heart in the first place. She made it impossible for San to love anyone else. She made it impossible for San to love me…

Santana moves closer to me and reaches out to grab my hand. She holds my hand in hers and gives it a soft squeeze to try and give me some comfort. I let out a shaky breath and say, "I want to be happy that Quinn's back, but I don't know if I am."

"That's okay, Rach. I know that a part of you must hate her because when she left, you were the one who desperately tried to pick up the pieces of my broken heart. It must have taken its toll on you and I'm sorry for that. I truly am."

"You have nothing to be sorry for, because you did nothing wrong. However I do wonder if I'll ever be able to stop being so envious of Quinn."

She quirks her perfectly manicured eyebrow at me and asks, "What do you mean?"

"I know that what you and I had was just something short-lived, but I can't help wonder about what we could have been. And if we would have gotten together if she didn't leave the way she did. It's just hard for me to accept that she got a fair chance at being your girlfriend and I didn't. When Quinn disappeared, she took your heart with her and I'm so angry at her for that."

I can't contain my emotions anymore and let out a few loud sobs. San reaches over and wipes my tears away. Then she pulls me into a tight embrace, which gives me a lot of desperately needed comfort. After a couple of seconds, I'm able to stop crying and I pull away from the embrace. I smile sadly at San, and let my arm rest on top of hers.

"I'm sorry that you feel that way, Rach. But you know that I love you, just not like that."

"I know and I love you too. And don't get me wrong, because I do realize that we are far from perfect from each other. Moreover I'm so grateful that Finn came back into my life and I'm in love with him. But there was a point in my life were I was in love with you, which is why it's so hard for me to stop wondering about what we could have been."

"You need to let go of me, Rachel. You and I, we both know that we're meant to be best friends. Nothing more. Nothing less."

"I know. But you know me, and you know that once I love someone, I always tend to keep clinging to that spark that was once there. But I need you to understand that I just want you to be happy, and if that's with Quinn then I'll support you when you get back together with her. It wouldn't be fair of me to stop you from finding your happiness, when I've found mine with Finn."

"Thanks Rach, that means a lot to me."

**A/N: Thoughts?**

**Also, I'm sorry for the delay because I told you guys that this chapter would have been up by Sunday. And also sorry if this chapter sucked…**

**However, thank you for the lovely reviews that you've given me. Thank you.**


	7. My past is my biggest nightmare

**Trigger warning: mentions of abuse**

**Quinn POV **

It has been almost a week since I last saw Santana, or anyone for that matter. Is it just me, or is that a bit odd? Honestly, I thought that my return would have had a bigger impact on my life. Maybe it will soon, but right now I'm still as lonely as I was before I came back. It's almost as if nothing has changed at all, which is kind of depressing. Deep down I had hoped that things would have gone back to normal in no time, but that was foolish of me. I realize that now.

So far the only ones who know that I've returned are Rachel, Brittany, Santana, Finn and maybe Sam. I don't really know if Brittany has told him about our little encounter, but she probably hasn't because she obviously hates my guts. However that doesn't bother me, because she isn't exactly at the top of my list either. I'm still extremely pissed at Brittany for using Santana and Sam like that. Moreover I don't really want to talk to Brittany any time soon, but I would have liked it if one of the others had tried to contact me this past week. Nevertheless, I don't blame them for not reaching out to me, because I do understand that they need some time and space to process everything. Perhaps they are waiting for Santana to contact me first and include me into their group again, because they know our history. So it's all up to Santana now, and I do hope that she gives me a chance to explain everything soon. I've lived without her for so long and I've craved her every single day that we were apart, and now I'm getting incredibly impatient because I'm so close to getting a second chance and I don't want to blow that. I cannot wait to start over with Santana, and love her each day like she deserves to be loved.

I've spend so many nights wondering about how I'm going to tell Santana everything that I've been through these past five years, but I still don't know how I'm going to do that. Each time I think about my past, I get a big lump in my throat and tears sting my eyes. I can't talk about it, and I don't think that I ever will be able to express the pain I've been through verbally. Not even to Santana. Don't get me wrong because she deserves to know why I left her behind, but it isn't going to be easy to tell her. I can already imagine the sobbing feast that will take place when I do. I doubt that I'd be able to finish my explanation without breaking down in sobs and chocking up completely. So maybe I should write it in a letter and hand it over to her. But I'm not really sure about that, because that seems pretty impersonal and distant to me. Although, it might be the only way that I'd be able to tell Santana about my past without falling apart completely. I don't know.

There isn't that many ways you can confess something, you can either write it down or express it verbally. Since I don't want to talk or sing about it, I don't really have a lot of options left. Actually, I know that writing her a letter is my only option if I want to find the right words to explain everything. But my biggest fear about writing that letter is that once I hand it over to Santana, I'm not going to be in control anymore. I cannot predict the way she'll react to my letter, and I won't be able to change it if she doesn't like it.

Anyone who'll read that letter, will know exactly what kind of monster I am and that scares me. This letter will determine whether or not San can forgive me for leaving her behind all those years ago. If she isn't able to forgive me then that will break my heart, but I'd understand.

I should start writing the letter right now, so I can finally stop worrying about it. The sooner I reveal my past to Santana, the sooner we can think about our future together and start over again.

_My dear san, my love, my everything;_

_Words cannot describe how ecstatic I am to have finally found you again after all this time. Although it also brings back memories of the biggest misstep that I have ever made. Seeing you again reminded me of leaving you behind all those years ago, and you'll never know how much I regret that mistake. I know that I've hurt you and I'm so incredibly sorry that I broke your heart. Moreover, I can sincerely say that I'll never forgive myself for putting you through so much pain. I know you San, and you'll probably want me to forgive myself but I can't. Not this time. _

_I chose to write you this letter, because I know that I'm not strong enough to tell you about my past in person. It's a dark secret that I never thought I had to tell anyone. However, the moment I realized that I could not find happiness without you by my side, I knew that I was going to have to confess everything that I've been through and all my mistakes. You deserve to know the truth and nothing but the truth, no matter how much it hurts me to even think about that. I made some horrible mistakes, which I deeply regret, and I hope that you'll be able to look past them. However, if you can't then I'll understand. But I need you to know that I'll always love you, Santana. Always._

_I'll start my explanation, and I hope that it'll give you some insight in why I was forced to leave you behind all those years ago. I don't really know where to begin, but I'll do my best to clarify everything. It started almost six years ago, at mister Shue's failed wedding when we slept together for the first time. At first, I just brushed it off as some drunken hook-up or a bit of experimenting, but it was so much more than that. For the first time in my life I fell in love, and not just some puppy love but the real thing. I'd like to think that part of me has always been in love with you, San, but I was just too stubborn to admit it. However when we kept in touch after that night, we became a lot closer and our friendship quickly blossomed into a loving relationship. I couldn't get enough of you, and I don't think that I ever will. Please, don't ever doubt my feelings towards you because they were and still are sincere. I'm so in love with you, San. I was back then, and I'm still in love with you now. Perhaps you don't feel that way about me anymore, but I hope that there will come a day that you'll return those feelings once more. Anyways, it all began with that failed wedding because it made me realize that I'm gay and that insight made my life a whole lot more complicated. I knew that my family would never be able to accept my sexuality, and that was a lot to take in when I was only nineteen years old._

_At first I thought I might be able to hide my sexuality from my parents. I wasn't planning on hiding it forever, because I've never been ashamed of it, but I wanted to wait until I got out of college and found a stable job. It seemed like a solid plan to me, because then it wouldn't affect me that much if they would disown me and stop providing me money. Perhaps it's weird that I was already counting on getting disowned, but you know my parents and what they're like. They are the most conservative people that I've ever met and truth be told, I've never truly loved them. You know how distant they acted towards Fran and me. You often consoled me when I felt lonely because of them, especially when Fran went to college. Even when you were just my friend, you were my protector and I love you for that. Thank you for always being there for me, San. _

_I never told you this, because I knew you would have gone all Lima heights on my dad's ass if you knew what he did to my sister and me. Whenever we made a mistake, no matter how small it was, he would punish us for it. He hit Fran and me almost every single day, but I never got used to it and neither did Fran. The only thing I got used to was hiding the bruises and scratches so that nobody would notice them. He threatened to kill us, if we told someone. My childhood was filled with fear and dark moments. I don't remember a single moment that I wasn't afraid of my own father, and that's kind of sad._

_Santana, don't blame yourself for not noticing my bruises because I never wanted you to. I was scared that he would hurt you if he found out that you knew about the abuse. Perhaps I should have told you about my father when we started dating, but I didn't know how or when. I know I could have told you everything, but I didn't want you to worry about me or about my dad. Besides, I didn't live at home anymore so he wasn't a direct threat anymore. Moreover, whenever I was with you I felt safe, so I didn't think it was really necessary to tell you. Maybe you think that I should have told you, but you need to understand that I don't like to talk about the abuse or my father, because it brings back too many painful memories. _

_San, you made me forget about my messed up childhood and for the first time I could picture a happy future for myself. Remember all those long talks we had about what we wanted to do with our lives and the dreams we wanted to pursue. You were the one who taught me how to dream, and I'll never be able to thank you enough for that. I hope that one day we can look back and say that we accomplished all those things that we talked about. Moreover, I desperately hope that we'll be able to say that we did those things together._

_The moment were things really went downhill was when I lost my scholarship at Yale. This happened about four months after Mister Schue's failed wedding, and I should have told you the minute I found out about it. You had the right to know, because you were already my girlfriend. It's okay to be mad at me for hiding this from you, but as this letter continues you'll realize that this isn't my biggest regret. I'm sorry for not telling you, but you'd have been furious if you knew the reason why I had lost my scholarship. But since there's no point in keeping that a secret anymore, I'll tell you know. I lost my scholarship because people found out about that fling I had with my professor in the beginning of the year. It surprised me that it had taken them so long to discover that since I had already ended it a couple of months before the gossip actually started. Unfortunately, some things just come back and bite you in the ass. I'm so sorry for not telling you and I'm even more sorry for disappointing you like that. It was foolish of me to date an older guy who wasn't only married but also my professor. I lost my dream because of one stupid mistake, and this is obviously one of my biggest regrets. _

_The first thing that came to mind when I found out about the scholarship that I had lost was my dad. I knew that the university had probably contacted my parents before they told me the news, which terrified me. I'm not trying to justify not telling you immediately, but I hope that you understand that my brain wasn't working properly because it was clouded with fear. I knew that my dad must have been furious the moment he found out. I figured that he was probably waiting for me to come back home, so he could beat me up. Which is why my first instinct was to grab my suitcases and run. Just run. I didn't even care where I would end up; I just wanted to get away from everything. However, when I had packed my bags, I decided to do the brave thing and go back to Lima to face my parents. I wish that I hadn't been so stupid, and just came back to you instead. Santana, I'm so sorry because if I hadn't made this rash decision, we wouldn't have been separated for over five years. I'm so incredibly sorry._

_When I came home that night, my dad was already expecting me. Or at least, it seemed like he did. He was sitting on the couch, with a bottle of whiskey in his hand. He was visibly intoxicated, which frightened me a lot. My mum was nowhere to be found, which meant that I was definitely up for a serious physical punishment. She never watched and just pretended that nothing had happened, which makes her almost as bad as him. _

_The moment my dad saw me, all hell broke loose. I won't go into detail, because it brings back too many painful memories. It still hurts when I think about every single insult thrown my way, every punch and every kick. My own father treated me even worse than a piece of shit and that definitely left its scar on my heart. Occasionally, I still get nightmares about that night._

_Since my dad always made sure that I didn't break any bones when he beat me or my sister up – because he didn't want us to end up in the hospital because then people might find out what kind of monster he really is – I knew that I'd be capable to leave the house successfully in a few days after recovering a little. So that night, when I finally was able to stop my tears from falling, I decided to make a bold move. In the morning I was going to confess that I'm gay, and then I wouldn't ever have to see him ever again. Well, you can probably guess, that that didn't go exactly as smooth as I hoped it would. I just figured that I should get it over with, and then I could finally leave him and my mum behind. I made that decision because the only thing that I truly wanted was to leave my past behind and start over with you. However that was way too naïve of me, I should have know that things weren't that easy._

_At first it seemed as if not that much had changed when I told them that I was gay. Of course, they called me a stupid dyke and my dad slapped me across the face. But I had expected it to be much worse, something like the night before when he had kicked me several times in the stomach until I passed out. However, I did not expect that my real punishment would come that night, when my dad sneaked into my room. My dad, he covered my mouth and whispered in my ear that he would make me straight again. He kept telling me that he was going to teach me how to love a man, because that's what a father should do. Then he threatened to kill me if I'd make a sound, so I stayed silent and in my mind I prayed so hard for him to stop. But he didn't. I don't want to go into detail, because talking or thinking about this hurts me so badly. I wish I could forget about that night, but I can't. My own father raped me. He fucking raped me, and pretended as if it was my own fault. _

_After all those years, I still don't get how my father could do that to me. I wish that I could have run away then, but I was still too weak to leave. Besides, he would have followed me and hunted me down if I tried to leave them behind. He was a monster and my worst nightmare. I knew that I had to stay in that house for a couple more nights, which I dreaded. In fact, each night he crept back into my room and tried to sexually abuse me again. The fourth night, I knew that he was going to rape me again but I couldn't let that happen. I just couldn't. So I decided to end his terror for once and for all, and I took action. I'm so sorry to inform you this, but I turned out to be just like my father. San, I did the most horrible thing you could ever imagine. I had put a knife under my pillow, and I planned on using it if he tried to rape me again. And he did. _

_I killed him, San. I killed my own father with my own fucking hands. I'm so sorry and I regret it every single day, but I couldn't let him rape me. I just couldn't. San, please find a way to forgive me because I'm not a murderer. I'm not. _

_After that everything went so fast, and I couldn't let anyone know what had happened. How was I supposed to tell everyone that I had killed someone? I had killed my own father, and I knew that I had to pay for that. There was a big trail, and I ended up in jail for three years. I had a hard time there, but I still think that I deserved worse for what I did. I'll never forgive myself for what I did, and neither should you. I made a huge mistake, and I should never have killed him but I didn't know what else to do. Please believe me when I say that I'm not a murderer, because I didn't mean to kill him. I just wanted to stop feeling scared for a change. I wanted the pain to stop. _

_Santana, I love you with all my heart and I always will. I've no idea how you feel after reading this letter, but please know that all I want is for you to be happy. If you don't believe that I can make you happy, then let me know and I'll let you go. But if there's even a small chance that you could look past my horrible mistakes, then I'll fight for you. Because I still believe that we belong together, even though I don't feel as if I deserve you. However if you'll let me, then I'll spend every day making you feel my love. Please be mine again, because I'm yours. Always._

_Love,_

_Quinn_


	8. The moment of truth

**Santana POV**

I can't believe that I'm stressing out like this. The fact that Quinn is coming over this afternoon is literally freaking me out, my hands are shaking and my heart is pounding like crazy. It's extremely hard to believe that this afternoon will determine whether or not we still have a future together.

There's nothing I want more than having Quinn back into my life, but I'm scared that she'll hurt me again. I'm afraid that she'll run away when things get tough, and I can't survive that kind of pain a second time. However, I can't let my own stupid insecurities get the best of me. Perhaps when Quinn has finally explained everything to me, I'll be able to grasp why she left me and hopefully it'll convince me that she'll never do it again.

Suddenly my doorbell rings, and I immediately know that this is the moment of truth. I take a deep breath and smooth out my clothes before I open the door. When I open it, I notice that Quinn is at least as nervous as me. She's fidgeting with her hands and staring at the ground like, which is making her look incredibly shy. I take in her appearance, and I've got to admit that she looks more beautiful than ever. Quinn is wearing a light blue sundress and matching shoes, which make her look like an angel. However the moment Quinn looks up and I stare into those gorgeous hazel eyes, I notice that they're completely bloodshot. She obviously has been crying, which terrifies me because it probably has got something to do with our relationship and me.

I move aside and motion for her to come in. The two of us move to my living room in silence, and we both take a seat on the couch. The silence is screaming louder than a thousand words, and I don't know how to make it go away. It's like there's a big lump in my throat that makes it impossible for me to say anything. I want to lighten the mood, but I can't. However after a couple of minutes Quinn speaks up and asks me, "Why did you wait for ten days to contact me again?"

I sigh, "I needed some time to figure everything out. This isn't easy for me, you know."

Quinn mutters sadly, "Well, did you? Because so far you haven't said anything."

"I don't know. The more I think about it, the more insecure I feel about everything. About us."

A silent tear makes its way down my cheek and Quinn gently wipes it away with her thumb. She whispers, "I'm sorry."

"I know."

She shakes her head and says, "No, you don't, Santana."

Quinn moves closer to me and reaches out to hold my hand in hers. Then she interlaces our fingers and brings my hand towards her mouth to kiss it softly. A few tears escape Quinn's eyes and she continues, "I'm so sorry for everything I've put you through. If I could go back, I would. But I can't."

"Q, why did you leave me all those years ago?"

"I wish I could tell you, but I can't. It hurts too much."

"I deserve to know, Quinn."

Quinn lets go of my hand and starts rummaging through her purse. A couple of seconds later, Quinn has finally found what she was looking for and she hands me an envelope. I look at her with a dumbfound expression and ask, "What's this?"

"It's a letter that I wrote a couple of days ago. Normally you should have all the answers once you read it."

I can feel anger bubbling inside of me and I start shaking my head. "No."

"What do you mean? You have to read this letter, Santana."

I snap, "No, I don't. I don't want to read a stupid letter, Q. I want to hear everything from you. It's the least that I deserve."

She starts crying harder and whispers, "I know, but it's so hard."

"Well tough luck, Quinn. Life's hard. I just want you to tell me what happened all those years ago, is that too much to ask?!"

Her bottom lip starts trembling and she sobs, "I want to confess everything, but I'm so scared that you'll hate me."

I move closer to Quinn and wrap my arms around her. I can feel her relax in my embrace and I whisper, "I could never hate you, Q."

After those words have left my lips, she starts crying ever harder. I just rock her gently, while some silent tears make its way down my cheeks as well. In this moment we both don't need anything but each other. A few minutes have passed, when I feel Quinn pull back from the embrace. She lets out a shaky breath and says, "Okay, I'll tell you."

"Thank you, Quinn. I know this is going to be hard for you, but I've waited more than five fucking years for this moment. This is it. This is your chance to explain yourself and maybe to start again."

She sobs, "You're right, this is it. First of all, I need you to know that I still love you. I'm so in love with you, Santana Lopez."

I weep, "No Quinn, you don't get to tell me that you love me before I know why you left me behind. Just tell me."

Quinn stands up from the couch and weeps, "I'm sorry, but I can't do this."

"Don't do this, Quinn! If you leave now, then I don't want you to come back ever again."

**Quinn POV**

As soon as those words have left Santana's lips, I can feel my whole body trembling. A huge wave of sadness comes over my body and it makes my knees go weak. I'm torn because I truly want to tell her the truth, but I don't think that I can. However, I know that I can't lose her. I fall to my knees and sobs are racking through my body. The only thing that I manage to get out is, "Don't do this, San. Please, don't."

Santana shakes her head and weeps, "You leave me no choice, Quinn. I'm going to ask you again, just tell me the fucking truth. This is your last chance."

"San, why are you doing this to me?"

"Because I need to hear you say why you left me. You hurt me bad, and I need to know why. As long as I don't know why, I won't be able to forgive you."

"Give me the letter, Santana. So I can I read it to you. I know that it isn't the same, but it's the best I can do."

She huffs, "Fine."

I get back on my feet and take a seat next to San on the couch. Then I slowly open the letter and I let out a shaky breath. As soon as I've stopped crying, I try and read it out loud. "Okay, I'll start reading it, but I'm going to skip to the most essential part if that's okay with you."

San is still crying and just nods her head. I continue, "It started almost six years ago, at mister Shue's failed wedding when we slept together for the first time. At first, I just brushed it off as some drunken hook-up or a bit of experimenting, but it was so much more than that. For the first time in my life I fell in love, and not just some puppy love but the real thing. I'd like to think that part of me has always been in love with you, San, but I was just too stubborn to admit it. However when we kept in touch after that night, we became a lot closer and our friendship quickly blossomed into a loving relationship. I couldn't get enough of you, and I don't think that I ever will. Please, don't ever doubt my feelings towards you because they were and still are sincere. I'm so in love with you, San. I was back then, and I'm still in love with you now. Perhaps you don't feel that way about me anymore, but I hope that there will come a day that you'll return those feelings once more. Anyways, it all began with that failed wedding because it made me realize that I'm gay and that insight made my life a whole lot more complicated. I knew that my family would never be able to accept my sexuality, and that was a lot to take in when I was only nineteen years old."

San interrupts me and pleads, "Please tell me that your asshole of a father didn't do anything to hurt you, Quinn. Please tell me that he didn't hurt you. Please."

Her voice is laced with so much pain, sadness, concern and most importantly love. I break down in tears and sob, "He raped me, San."

Santana starts shaking her head frantically, while repeating, "No, no, no, no." Then she pulls me into her arms, while whispering that she's sorry in her ear. I want to tell her that it wasn't her fault, but I'm crying too hard to talk right now.

Once I manage to get a hold on myself, I tell Santana that it wasn't her fault and that she couldn't have helped me because I never told her that I was going to visit them. San doesn't loosen her embrace and she's clinging to me like I might disappear any moment. However, I gently push her shoulder and move back a little. Then I look into those beautiful dark brown eyes and try to read them. It breaks my heart to see Santana look so broken, because I know that it's entirely my fault. I sigh, "I should have told you. I'm sorry."

San moves closer to me and takes my hand in hers. Then she says sadly, "No, I'm sorry. I should have known that something was a little off when I brought Judy a visit a week after your disappearance. I could feel that she was hiding something from me, but she threatened to call the cops because she claimed that I was harassing her. Besides your mum told me that I wasn't going to find you in Lima, so I left. But I should have fucking stayed and protected you. I should have hunted that asshole down and make him pay for what he did to you. I'm so incredibly sorry that I failed you."

I can see Santana breaking down in front of me and I hug her as tight as I possibly can. "It wasn't your fault, San. Besides, I already made him pay."

She shakes her head in confusion and asks, "What do you mean, Q?"

Tears fill my eyes, and my body starts to shake because this is the moment of truth. I take a deep breath and confess, "I killed him, Santana. I killed my own father, and I regret it every single day. I'm so sorry that I became a monster; I never wanted to become this way. I'm so sorry."

Santana's jaw hits the floor, but to my surprise she doesn't run away. She doesn't abandon me like I expected her to. No instead, she gently pushes her lips against my forehead and uses her hand to move my head to her shoulder. She's offering me comfort after I've just confessed her that I killed my own father. Why can't she see that I'm not worth her love? Why doesn't she hate me? Because I do. I hate myself because of the things I've done, and I don't think that I'll ever forgive myself.

I'm crying like I've never cried before, and my tears are soaking Santana's shirt. However she keeps hugging me tightly and occasionally she kisses the top of my head, which makes me feel loved and safe.

I've no idea how long we've been sitting here or how long I've been in Santana's arms. I'm still sobbing, but Santana has finally stopped. She whispers that she loves me, and I try to say it back but it comes out a little choked. Then she starts to sing softly and it warms my heart.

"_When you try your best, but you don't succeed_

_When you get what you want, but not what you need_

_When you feel so tired, but you can't sleep_

_Stuck in reverse_

_And the tears come streaming down your face_

_When you lose something you can't replace_

_When you love someone, but it goes to waste_

_Could it be worse?_

_Lights will guide you home_

_And ignite your bones_

_And I will try to fix you_"

She stops singing for a moment and whispers, "I'll try to fix you, Q. I promise."

**A/N: Sorry that I didn't update sooner, but I had a lot going on at home. Anyways, hopefully you didn't think that this chapter sucked too much. And normally I'll explain why Quinn got 3 years of prison in the next chapter, so I hope you stick around for that.**


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